WATCH DOGS TEACHES KIDS HOW TO HACK, CALL OF DUTY CAUSES SUICIDE, AND E-BOOKS F**K WITH YOUR BRAIN

Friday, May 30, 2014


By Jamaal Ryan


Take a seat, remove any nearby fragile objects, and watch this video:


  • So let me get this straight, a high octane shooter somehow induces depressive symptoms and suicidality? And how did a coroner draw these conclusions after investigating social and psychological influences along with potential instances of trauma? Oh right, he “doesn’t have enough evidence”.
  • Oh, and let’s not forget that Behring Breivik “trained” himself to kill while playing Call of Duty. Because you know, the paranoid schizophrenic can learn how to aim a 5-10 lbs firearm, track moving targets and pull the trigger on a gamepad.
  • And why are we having the gun talk in America when video games are directly responsible for every single gun mass… oh, wait.
  • “Why can’t we have a Superman?”
  • “Pr pr pr pr pr protagonist”
  • “While his obscured viseg viseg viseg” *VISAGE GOD DAMN IT!
  • Watch Dogs is a “cool game” the other guy says. Well, I don’t know about cool. I mean, if we thought we had a hacker problem with nearly 40% of Americans who have been exposed to some form of hacking, boy do we have a serious fucking problem with those button prompts and pipe mini games in Watch Dogs that train kids how to hack the iPad in your room.

In hindsight, the lesson learned here is that we should throw away all of our electronics before we become helpless addicts like those who shoot, snort, and smoke crack cocaine.

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